Crystal Ball
Every once in awhile I receive an email from my cousin Bill that includes a very entertaining piece of writing, composed not so much as to edify, but rather to lure one into thinking about nonsense. This morning I received a message from him that included his Bible-based prediction for the outcome of tonight’s Superbowl. My belief is that this prediction is every bit as valuable as the many other predictions I have seen and I am happy to share it here.
Prediction of the Super Bowl XLIII Winner
based upon an interpretation of game day readings from the Catholic Missalette used by St. Mary’s Parish of Johnson City, TN:Predicting the winner of Super Bowl XLIII (decimal: 43, binary: 101011; hex: 2B, and octal: 53) between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals is proven to be both difficult and dangerous. This year is the most difficult ever since I discovered some eight years ago I had a wholly phony knack of holy prognostication.
The Readings:
The readings for Sunday, Feb. 1, 2009 are as follows:
• 1st: Old Testament: Deuteronomy 18: 15-20
• 2nd: New Testament: 1 Corinthians 7:32-35
• 3rd: Gospel: Mark 1:21-28Other Biblically-related items are:
• Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 95:1-2,6-9
• Gospel Acclamation: Matthew 4:16In the interest of saving trees and space, the biblical passages are not included in their entirety within this document. If you have not memorized the Bible, particularly The New American Bible, please visit USCCB. It’s not just a good read. It’s the Law.
The Analysis:
First thing: None of the readings really offers any ridiculously obvious hints or clues. Nothing at all about cities near rivers or deserts, people living in “high towers” or folks kicking “reeds.” Nothing. Consequently, given the complete lack of self-evident references, it appears that even the Bible was surprised that the Cardinals and Steelers made it through.
Secondly, to completely sour the pot, the first (Old Testament) reading is, on its face, basically a threat of death to all unworthy, false prophets who would ever deign to make unsanctioned(*) predictions. Seeing that (a) I do not have a dog in the fight (i.e., I really don’t care who wins as I am emotionally vested in neither team) and (b) I don’t want to die, it would be prudent to take a pass on predicting this year’s game. However, as “prudent” is a word seldom used to describe me, and my eight year record of 7-1(**) implies at least some sort of Cosmic “nod of approval”, let us continue in this endeavor.
Overall, the first reading looks to be a wash. However, in a closer look at this reading, two verses pop right out:
(16) “Let us not again. . . see this great fire any more, lest we die.”
and
(18) “I will raise up for them a prophet . . . and will put my words into his mouth;”Verse 16 is an obvious illusion to the Steelers’ great football dynasty forged in the fires of Pittsburgh’s great steel smelting past. This verse is written from the point of view of the Cardinals and says, in effect, “If the Steelers show up, they’ll ‘kill’ us.” However, within verse 18, the Bible seems to presage the Cardinal’s quarterback, Kurt Warner, who not only makes a lot of money (“prophet”) but is also a well-known, devout, and extremely vocal Christian. However, one should not forget that “Big Ben” Roethlisberger also just signed a very “profitable” eight-year, $102 million contract and has been a somewhat articulate spokesman for his faith (“Play for Jesus!”). So, it is hard to tell where this one is going.
Fortunately, the last verse offers a promise of some interesting gridiron activity:
(20) “But the prophet who presumes to say something in my name which I have not commanded him to say . . . . that prophet must die.”Verse 20 seems to imply two things. The first is the sometimes even The Almighty (AKA “Yahweh”) gets a wee perplexed with Kurt’s persistent public professions of faith. The second is a threat of “death.” Obviously, context is paramount. Seeing that (a) modern players wear all sorts of protective equipment and (b) current NFL rules prohibit defensive players from even breathing too heavily on the “marquee” QBs, any predicted “death” must therefore be considered primarily in the metaphorical sense. So, if I am interpreting this correctly, I’m going to go out on a limb here and categorically state that the Bible predicts that either Warner or Roethlisberger will be sacked some time within the first half, possibly near the end of the first quarter. Or maybe a player will sustain a game-ending injury. Hard to tell with this one.
Moving on to the second quarter, the Responsorial Psalm with lots of singing and thanksgiving going on offers the hint of a touchdown series involving a pass (“…p(s)alms to him”) and a short yardage situation (“let us kneel”). In the last verse, the presence of the words “desert,” “tempted,” and “tested” along with the phrase, “they had seen my works” offer the strong possibility of a pivotal penalty call and/or booth review that may not go too well for the Cardinals near the conclusion of the first half.
It looks to be a low scoring 3rd quarter based upon the second (New Testament) reading. These verses are pretty much all about anxious men and women, some single and some married. It is just all over the place and really goes nowhere. Expect a number of three-and-out/punt situations. As Pope Benedict XVI recently announced a special jubilee year dedicated to the birth of St. Paul (“Happy Approximately 2000th Birthday to You…”), for the next few weeks St. Mary’s parish of Johnson City, TN is “calling an audible” and punting the printed 2nd reading. Given this uncertainty, a post-Mass follow-up prediction may be in order once the alternate reading has been revealed.
The last verse of the second reading is indeed noteworthy:
(35) “I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.”
It seems that here the Bible is in full agreement with the NFL’s halftime entertainment committee’s choice of Bruce Springsteen (AKA: “The Boss”) instead of risking another FCC-sanctioned Jackson-Timberlake wardrobe malfunction incident(+).The single verse (Matthew 4:16) Gospel Acclamation really opens the game up:
(16) “…the people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, on those dwelling in a land overshadowed by death, light has arisen.”Now, on which team this “great light” will shine…hard to say. There is the obvious Pat Tillman connection with the Cardinals and Arizona’s favorite son, John McCain, recently lost his bid for the White House. On the other hand, two members of Pittsburgh’s famous 1970s “Steel Curtain” passed in 2008: Ernie “Fats” Holmes, in a Texas car crash last January & Dwight White from complications from surgery in June. And with the fiscal collapse of 2008 401(k) investments, well, it is sadness all around.
Finally, the Gospel reading contains references to astonished people; expect a big, notable play near the end of the game. Additionally, the reading is also about the authority of A Holy Man (i.e., Jesus) over “unclean spirits.” While is its true that (a) the Catholic cardinals have wicked fine threads while steel workers get pretty filthy on the job, and (b) birds are constantly crapping on iron-based metal objects, one should not forget that (c) the Arizona Cardinals once shared a home field with the Arizona State Sun Devils. And given that the Cardinals current stadium, named “The University of Phoenix Stadium” is not really in Phoenix but 12 miles away in Glendale and named after a for-profit, private educational institution with 200 campuses and no (zero, nada) intercollegiate athletics programs, well, this is just getting way too confusing to make any sense of anything. In this case, even the Bible seems to be astonishingly helpless in making any clear prediction of a winner. Obviously, there is a good chance this game could be going into overtime.
The Biblical Prediction for Super Bowl XLIII:
While there are no clear predictive elements, it seems that two Gospel elements (both the Acclamation and the Reading) may hold the keys to the game: Darkness, Death, and Arising Lights. The Cardinals have never won a Super Bowl, and Pat Tillman’s death is still a centering point of grief. Come Sunday, the Arizona fans’ hopes may float into the end zone on a thin read: Cardinals over the Steelers by a game ending pass or field goal, possibly in overtime.
* unsanctioned by God as opposed to the NFL. To the best of my knowledge, attorneys representing the National Football League (NFL), its affiliates, and/or member professional football clubs were involved neither in the writing of the original biblical texts (including those of the Qumran community) nor the creation of the Authorized King James Version of the Bible.
** I tried to “force” the readings to predict the Rams to win in 2002 because I disliked the Patriots and inappropriately let my personal feelings get in the way of what The Good Book had to say. That and the Pats probably were video taping opponents even back then proving that even if you’re omnipotent, it is hard to overcome that level of cheating.
+ What boob booked them in the first place?
Related Posts:
About The Author
Comments